I think I'm supposed to write something clever here...

Well, I certainly can't think of anything clever at the moment, but I'm sure it'll come to me... eventually. Sometimes I need to write down my thoughts to get a clearer grasp on things. Life has been moving at such a fast pace lately; it has been a bit difficult to keep up.

First off, I started a new job! I'm working as a TCV for KCI/Acelity in the LA County and South Bay Area. I'm still training, but I love my job. I finally feel as if my hard work is appreciated. I'm currently still at Disney, but have only worked one shift since starting this new job. It was kind of torturous, to be honest. I was stuck in the corner of NOS by myself for 7 hours. Nothing crazy happened. I didn't get screamed, spit, or cussed at. It just didn't feel like I belonged there. I'm not sure if I completely belong at my new job, but at least everyone is welcoming and is happy to have me. I don't remember the last time that I ever felt appreciated or wanted at a job. The more you talk to people, the more you realize how many people actually hate their jobs. It's quite sad actually. I don't want to be that person anymore. I never want to hate going to work every day. So far, I don't. So that's good.

I moved rooms. I got a new car. I've been visiting home quite a bit in the last few months. I've reconnected with old friends. I've lost touch with other friends. I'm working on becoming a better "me". I'm doing what makes me happy. I'm voicing my opinion, frustrations, and ideas. I'm becoming more social. I'm trying to cope with my anxiety and constant pain. I don't remember a day when my neck/shoulders/head didn't hurt. I'm trying new things to help ease the pain and anxiety. It helps a little, but I'm just worried it'll never actually go away completely.

I'm almost done with school! I'm over half way through my second to last class! FINALLY. I am done officially on September 4th, and I graduate on October 14th. Dustin was so adamant that I graduate on stage, so I guess I'm going. I feel like graduating on stage is a waste of time, money, and energy, but I'd do anything to make him happy. Off to Phoenix we go, haha!

I know that there is so much more that has changed, but I can't even begin to think of the rest. I don't remember the last time I didn't feel tired. Juggling multiple jobs and school and family and friends and a boyfriend is haaaaard, but I'm managing. I've never been happier.

Yep, nothing clever came to mind... oh well, I'm done.

Comfort.

There's nothing more comforting than crawling into your bed after a long, stressful day. Hell, the day doesn't even have to be stressful... Your bed is comforting no matter what type of day it was.

Life can be hard. REALLY FREAKIN' HARD. 

I feel beyond guilty for the life that I live. I feel that everyone struggles just to see me succeed, as well as be happy. My family would do absolutely anything for me, and that should be comforting to me. While it is comforting knowing I have a wonderful support system (that I don't deserve), I also feel overwhelmingly guilty. I feel like I have nothing to give them in return. They struggle to make me happy, and a lot of days, I'm not that happy.

Stressing has become my aesthetic. School is overwhelming, and I'm so so SO burnt out. Work is so stressful, and everyone acts like we're still in high school. Get over it, this is a job. I never feel like I know what I'm doing with my life, let alone what I'm doing five minutes from now. 

I feel like because my family does everything to ensure my happiness and success, I have to have my shit together. I'm 23, and I don't have my shit together. I feel like the biggest failure. 

Crawling into bed at night can be the most comforting feeling, but it's also a time of reflection. I lay in bed every single night realizing that I don't have my shit together. I don't know what I want to do tomorrow, next week, next year, or for the rest of my life. I don't want to feel like a failure, I just want to feel confident and comforted. When will my guilt go away? Is that too much to ask for? 

Torn.

I'm here and I'm so happy. I'm with my family, my puppy, my home, my bed. I feel whole. 

But that feeling fades quickly when I realize that he's not here. He completes me. I don't care how cliche that sounds, because he truly completes me. We are not broken without each other, but rather we fill in the not-so-perfect spots, and make them full. 

He makes me the best version of myself, and that truly gives me the utmost joy and fulfillment. 

Where do I belong? There, where I constantly yearn for the feeling of home? There, where I feel like I don't fit in with anyone? There, where it's hard to get out of bed everyday because I feel like I don't have a purpose? And there where he is, and I feel like a complete human when I'm with him. 

Or do I belong here? Here, where my family is. Here, where my puppy is. Here, where my home is. Here, where I wouldn't exactly have a job at my favorite place in the entire world. And here, where he isn't. 

I'm torn. I'm ripping at the seams, and no matter where I belong, someone gets hurt. 

A State of Limbo

I constantly feel as if my life is in a state of limbo. Is it? Honestly, not really. 

I have a job, I have a roof over my head, I have food to eat, I have a family and amazing boyfriend that love me unconditionally.

(I said unconditionally, right?... I certainly test those waters a lot.)

My lease is going to be up in just a few months, and I'm trying to figure out what to do. I don't have anyone that is particularly like to live with, with the exception of Dustin. But that's out of the question to him. I've looked for a place of my own, but clearly that's impossible to afford. So, do I move home? Do I leave the life I dreamed of having? Do I leave the absolute love of my life, and struggle to make long distance work? Or do I live with strangers or my same roommate and her friend? 

I'm at a crossroad, or a state of limbo. I feel torn in so many directions, and not one answer is the right answer. 

I miss my family like hell, and just want to go home most days. On the other hand, no matter how shitty work can be, or how hard it gets, Dustin is worth it. I've met my perfect match, and I'm much too afraid of leaving that. 

I feel like no matter what I do, or what I say, I'm always hurting someone. I'm learning to just keep my worries and feelings to myself. I don't want to hurt anyone just because I can't figure my life out. 

I guess only time will tell. I just hope I'm happy.