I think I'm supposed to write something clever here...

Well, I certainly can't think of anything clever at the moment, but I'm sure it'll come to me... eventually. Sometimes I need to write down my thoughts to get a clearer grasp on things. Life has been moving at such a fast pace lately; it has been a bit difficult to keep up.

First off, I started a new job! I'm working as a TCV for KCI/Acelity in the LA County and South Bay Area. I'm still training, but I love my job. I finally feel as if my hard work is appreciated. I'm currently still at Disney, but have only worked one shift since starting this new job. It was kind of torturous, to be honest. I was stuck in the corner of NOS by myself for 7 hours. Nothing crazy happened. I didn't get screamed, spit, or cussed at. It just didn't feel like I belonged there. I'm not sure if I completely belong at my new job, but at least everyone is welcoming and is happy to have me. I don't remember the last time that I ever felt appreciated or wanted at a job. The more you talk to people, the more you realize how many people actually hate their jobs. It's quite sad actually. I don't want to be that person anymore. I never want to hate going to work every day. So far, I don't. So that's good.

I moved rooms. I got a new car. I've been visiting home quite a bit in the last few months. I've reconnected with old friends. I've lost touch with other friends. I'm working on becoming a better "me". I'm doing what makes me happy. I'm voicing my opinion, frustrations, and ideas. I'm becoming more social. I'm trying to cope with my anxiety and constant pain. I don't remember a day when my neck/shoulders/head didn't hurt. I'm trying new things to help ease the pain and anxiety. It helps a little, but I'm just worried it'll never actually go away completely.

I'm almost done with school! I'm over half way through my second to last class! FINALLY. I am done officially on September 4th, and I graduate on October 14th. Dustin was so adamant that I graduate on stage, so I guess I'm going. I feel like graduating on stage is a waste of time, money, and energy, but I'd do anything to make him happy. Off to Phoenix we go, haha!

I know that there is so much more that has changed, but I can't even begin to think of the rest. I don't remember the last time I didn't feel tired. Juggling multiple jobs and school and family and friends and a boyfriend is haaaaard, but I'm managing. I've never been happier.

Yep, nothing clever came to mind... oh well, I'm done.

Comfort.

There's nothing more comforting than crawling into your bed after a long, stressful day. Hell, the day doesn't even have to be stressful... Your bed is comforting no matter what type of day it was.

Life can be hard. REALLY FREAKIN' HARD. 

I feel beyond guilty for the life that I live. I feel that everyone struggles just to see me succeed, as well as be happy. My family would do absolutely anything for me, and that should be comforting to me. While it is comforting knowing I have a wonderful support system (that I don't deserve), I also feel overwhelmingly guilty. I feel like I have nothing to give them in return. They struggle to make me happy, and a lot of days, I'm not that happy.

Stressing has become my aesthetic. School is overwhelming, and I'm so so SO burnt out. Work is so stressful, and everyone acts like we're still in high school. Get over it, this is a job. I never feel like I know what I'm doing with my life, let alone what I'm doing five minutes from now. 

I feel like because my family does everything to ensure my happiness and success, I have to have my shit together. I'm 23, and I don't have my shit together. I feel like the biggest failure. 

Crawling into bed at night can be the most comforting feeling, but it's also a time of reflection. I lay in bed every single night realizing that I don't have my shit together. I don't know what I want to do tomorrow, next week, next year, or for the rest of my life. I don't want to feel like a failure, I just want to feel confident and comforted. When will my guilt go away? Is that too much to ask for? 

Torn.

I'm here and I'm so happy. I'm with my family, my puppy, my home, my bed. I feel whole. 

But that feeling fades quickly when I realize that he's not here. He completes me. I don't care how cliche that sounds, because he truly completes me. We are not broken without each other, but rather we fill in the not-so-perfect spots, and make them full. 

He makes me the best version of myself, and that truly gives me the utmost joy and fulfillment. 

Where do I belong? There, where I constantly yearn for the feeling of home? There, where I feel like I don't fit in with anyone? There, where it's hard to get out of bed everyday because I feel like I don't have a purpose? And there where he is, and I feel like a complete human when I'm with him. 

Or do I belong here? Here, where my family is. Here, where my puppy is. Here, where my home is. Here, where I wouldn't exactly have a job at my favorite place in the entire world. And here, where he isn't. 

I'm torn. I'm ripping at the seams, and no matter where I belong, someone gets hurt. 

A State of Limbo

I constantly feel as if my life is in a state of limbo. Is it? Honestly, not really. 

I have a job, I have a roof over my head, I have food to eat, I have a family and amazing boyfriend that love me unconditionally.

(I said unconditionally, right?... I certainly test those waters a lot.)

My lease is going to be up in just a few months, and I'm trying to figure out what to do. I don't have anyone that is particularly like to live with, with the exception of Dustin. But that's out of the question to him. I've looked for a place of my own, but clearly that's impossible to afford. So, do I move home? Do I leave the life I dreamed of having? Do I leave the absolute love of my life, and struggle to make long distance work? Or do I live with strangers or my same roommate and her friend? 

I'm at a crossroad, or a state of limbo. I feel torn in so many directions, and not one answer is the right answer. 

I miss my family like hell, and just want to go home most days. On the other hand, no matter how shitty work can be, or how hard it gets, Dustin is worth it. I've met my perfect match, and I'm much too afraid of leaving that. 

I feel like no matter what I do, or what I say, I'm always hurting someone. I'm learning to just keep my worries and feelings to myself. I don't want to hurt anyone just because I can't figure my life out. 

I guess only time will tell. I just hope I'm happy. 

Is This Thing On?

Testing, testing.. is this thing on? 

I randomly had an impulse to re-read all of my blog posts tonight. 

(Yeah, all THREE of them, haha.)

It's completely crazy to me how much my life has changed since last fall.

Let's be real, my life changes constantly.

I've been reflecting on every aspect of my life lately. 

My past, my goals, and especially the present.

I constantly have a lot on my mind, and I figured this is the perfect place to get it all out because, again, let's be real, it isn't fair to take it out on Dustin all of the time, haha.

(Sorry, babe!)

Life is hard. Really, really hard. 

Honestly, I have the largest life goals figured out. I finally have an idea of what I want to do with my life. I feel like that right there is the biggest step that I've made in quite a while.

I've been struggling with everything lately.

Work, school, friendships, family, my relationship, being constantly homesick.

One day, I want to quit everything and move home to my puppy and my family.

The next day, I want to run away and live in a different state and start everything over.

I've been playing a balancing act, and it certainly has taken its toll on me.

My emotions are at an all time high (and low) and I constantly take it out on Dustin.

The worst part is that I can tell that I'm doing it, but yet I just cannot stop myself.

I feel awful. 

I feel like I cry 24/7, and I have absolutely no explanation for the tears.

When he asks me what is wrong, I have no words.

Nothing comes out when I try to talk.

I feel like I'm drowning and there is no surface to the water.

I feel like I'm screaming but nothing comes out.

I've been having panic attacks more and more frequently, too.

I seriously had one while I was showering not that long ago.

Even something that is supposed to relax me sends me into a panic.

I had enough of this feeling, and went back to the doctor.

He put me on an anti-anxiety medication that is supposed to help prevent my migraines
(which have been much more frequent)
and my anxiety.

FINALLY. 

I've been on and off with this medication for the last month and a half or so, and I'm feeling much more like myself again. 

Some days are easier than others, and some days I feel like I'm starting back at square one.

I can finally get words out that explain my feelings and what I'm thinking.

I feel like I've found the surface to the water.

My thoughts race constantly.

I'm sitting here trying to write things out, and what I thought I wanted to originally write about clearly isn't coming out in this text. 

I'm literally typing/writing/whatever on this blog post and I'm not letting myself go back and read what I've written.

I feel like this is going to be much more genuine.

If anyone is actually reading this, welcome to my everyday life/thought process.

I know, I hide a lot.

I'm pretty sure 90% (or more) of the people I come in contact with each and every day have no idea that I struggle with the things that I do.

And you know what? That's okay.

My life is my life, and it isn't for someone else to worry about.

On the other hand, I shouldn't be ashamed that I struggle.

Sometimes we all need someone to tell us that it's going to be okay.

I'm thankful to have that person.

He understands me even when I don't understand myself.

It may be ridiculously cliche to say, but I'm not going to let him get away.

He's saved me in more ways than one, and I love him for that and so much more.

This post has taken many, many turns, and I cannot keep any of it straight. 

Life is hard.

I guess it'd be boring if it were easy.

I'm feeling like I'm learning how to roll with the punches again.

It's certainly a crazy journey, but I'm thriving.

Today is a day that feels like I'm screaming, and finally a scream is coming out.

Practically Perfect in Every Way!

"Why worry? If you've done the very best you can, worrying won't make it any better," -- Walt Disney.

Nervous. Scared. Anxious. Worried.

I really cannot put into words how I was feeling before/during/right after my check-in. I am happy to report that all of those feelings have passed, and I am more excited and happy than I have ever been in my entire life!

Well, it's official, I am now a resident of Anaheim! Time is flying by, and I haven't sat down to update all of you on this magical journey of mine. I cannot believe that I checked in 10 days ago! I'm not quite sure where the time has gone. I can assure you of one thing though, it hasn't been spent sleeping! I'm having the time of my life in SoCal, and I'm so excited for this adventure to continue!

Here is a little rundown on the last week and a half.
Wednesday, August 20th: Check-in day! I arrived at Carnegie Plaza with my nerves through the roof. I was pleasantly surprised at how fast and easy the check-in process was! I spent the afternoon moving into my adorable apartment, and then headed out for a magical evening with new friends.
Thursday, August 21st: Orientation at Team Disney Anaheim! We also had a welcome party at Carnegie Plaza with everyone in our building! It was a great way to finally meet everyone!
Friday, August 22nd: Traditions at TDA! This was such a magical day, and it finally hit me that my dreams are becoming a reality.
Saturday, August 23rd: California Story! I loved loved loved this! I learned all about the history of Disney's California Adventure, and all of its little hidden gems. It made me appreciate the park so much more.
Sunday, August 24th: Welcome to Operations!
Monday, August 25th: My first day off! YEEEESSSS.
Tuesday, August 26th: My first day of on the job training. It's official! I'm a 50's diner girl at Flo's V8 Cafe in Cars Land!
Wednesday, August 27th: Second day of on the job training! I trained for the back of house and learned how to prepare the food, fill orders, and so much more.
Thursday, August 28th: Last day of on the job training! My training partner and I passed! Our trainer was so proud, and said we were the best trainees that she has ever had. She even bought us pizza to celebrate! I also created my first Magical Moment for a guest, and it reminded me of why I came here in the first place.
Friday, August 29th: My first real shift on my own! I was soooo nervous, but I think it went pretty well. I also had my first visitors at work! Shout out to Cody and Meghan!
Saturday, August 30th: Today my sister and Ernie are coming! I'm spending the day with them in the parks, and I couldn't be more excited! I've missed my sister more than words can describe, and I'm counting down the minutes until she gets here!

I have already made some amazing friends and unforgettable memories, and cannot wait for these next few months! I miss home, my family, and my friends, but just know that this is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, and I have never been happier. Thank you to everyone for reading and keeping up with my magical journey!

To wrap this up, here is an overload of pictures of my amazing adventure!

Courtney!

Roomies <3

Kitchen.

Courtyard.

My cute little bed!

Living Room.

My back of house costume.

Flo's V8 Cafe Costume!

California Story!

Traditions!

Dustin!

Nicole! My roomie!

CODY!!!

Welcome Party :)

Roomies!

Keep Moving Forward,

J.

Ready, Set.. Not Yet!

"Open different doors, you may find a you there that you never knew was yours,"

-- Bert and Mary Poppins.

The time has finally come... I am just about one week away from my big move to Anaheim! I cannot believe it is already here. My countdown started around five months ago, and I am now down to nearly one week! (Ten days, but hey, who's counting?!) I have been searching the internet for months trying to find out how other people have packed, what they used, what they brought, and so on and so forth. I found a few blogs that had great ideas, and some not so much. I realized that we all pack differently, and figured it might be beneficial to share my packing process. With my move creeping up on me, I have began packing, and here is how I have done it thus far.

Packing has been way more difficult than I could have anticipated! After asking a few friends for advice, I decided to pack my clothes and shoes in Sterilite tubs. (Thanks again Tori, Shelby, and Jennifer! Love you girls!) I have one tub completely packed! YAY! I separated my business wear for Traditions, classes, etc. in its own tub, which happens to be the only tub completely packed. 

Here are two of the tubs I am using for clothes and shoes.

Although our apartments are "fully furnished", I have been told that our kitchens don't have much in them. Luckily, I have a lot of kitchen stuff already purchased/gifted to me, and am bringing it with me just in case we may need it. If you know me at all, you know I'm bringing my Keurig and my Crockpot. Coffee and Crockpot meals are essential to my life. Not kidding. I also started my own stockpile, so to say. Friends from my DCP Facebook page suggested to stock up on shampoo and conditioner, face wash, body wash, hairspray, etc. I found this really helpful, because it'll be nice to have a backup when I run out, rather than having to buy it while I'm down there. I have spent the last few weeks buying things here and there, and have quite a few things to get me through most of the program, if not all of it. I also received a gift basket from my Auntie Janelle, and I still cannot thank her enough. She including cleaning supplies, hair products, bandaids, and other things that are helping me so much. Thank you again, Auntie!

My amazing gift basket from my Auntie Janelle!

Here's my current pile! I know it'll shrink in some ways, but grow in others!

I certainly didn't forget my Minnie ears! Is there anything I might've missed, or something that I absolutely have to take? Any suggestions are greatly appreciated! Thanks again for reading, and following my Magical Journey! Wish me luck!

Keep Moving Forward, 

J.