Is This Thing On?

Testing, testing.. is this thing on? 

I randomly had an impulse to re-read all of my blog posts tonight. 

(Yeah, all THREE of them, haha.)

It's completely crazy to me how much my life has changed since last fall.

Let's be real, my life changes constantly.

I've been reflecting on every aspect of my life lately. 

My past, my goals, and especially the present.

I constantly have a lot on my mind, and I figured this is the perfect place to get it all out because, again, let's be real, it isn't fair to take it out on Dustin all of the time, haha.

(Sorry, babe!)

Life is hard. Really, really hard. 

Honestly, I have the largest life goals figured out. I finally have an idea of what I want to do with my life. I feel like that right there is the biggest step that I've made in quite a while.

I've been struggling with everything lately.

Work, school, friendships, family, my relationship, being constantly homesick.

One day, I want to quit everything and move home to my puppy and my family.

The next day, I want to run away and live in a different state and start everything over.

I've been playing a balancing act, and it certainly has taken its toll on me.

My emotions are at an all time high (and low) and I constantly take it out on Dustin.

The worst part is that I can tell that I'm doing it, but yet I just cannot stop myself.

I feel awful. 

I feel like I cry 24/7, and I have absolutely no explanation for the tears.

When he asks me what is wrong, I have no words.

Nothing comes out when I try to talk.

I feel like I'm drowning and there is no surface to the water.

I feel like I'm screaming but nothing comes out.

I've been having panic attacks more and more frequently, too.

I seriously had one while I was showering not that long ago.

Even something that is supposed to relax me sends me into a panic.

I had enough of this feeling, and went back to the doctor.

He put me on an anti-anxiety medication that is supposed to help prevent my migraines
(which have been much more frequent)
and my anxiety.

FINALLY. 

I've been on and off with this medication for the last month and a half or so, and I'm feeling much more like myself again. 

Some days are easier than others, and some days I feel like I'm starting back at square one.

I can finally get words out that explain my feelings and what I'm thinking.

I feel like I've found the surface to the water.

My thoughts race constantly.

I'm sitting here trying to write things out, and what I thought I wanted to originally write about clearly isn't coming out in this text. 

I'm literally typing/writing/whatever on this blog post and I'm not letting myself go back and read what I've written.

I feel like this is going to be much more genuine.

If anyone is actually reading this, welcome to my everyday life/thought process.

I know, I hide a lot.

I'm pretty sure 90% (or more) of the people I come in contact with each and every day have no idea that I struggle with the things that I do.

And you know what? That's okay.

My life is my life, and it isn't for someone else to worry about.

On the other hand, I shouldn't be ashamed that I struggle.

Sometimes we all need someone to tell us that it's going to be okay.

I'm thankful to have that person.

He understands me even when I don't understand myself.

It may be ridiculously cliche to say, but I'm not going to let him get away.

He's saved me in more ways than one, and I love him for that and so much more.

This post has taken many, many turns, and I cannot keep any of it straight. 

Life is hard.

I guess it'd be boring if it were easy.

I'm feeling like I'm learning how to roll with the punches again.

It's certainly a crazy journey, but I'm thriving.

Today is a day that feels like I'm screaming, and finally a scream is coming out.